When I was little all i wanted was a husband and children, or even just the children (once i got a certain age). Then I could help but be so thankful of my life, my family and my friends. All I wanted was internal life with my family because they make me the happiest. I tried so hard to be a better person, a good human being, a civilized adult... Today I don't feel classy and dignified. Today I'm just a little mean tail that don't care that I have a good job waiting on me tomorrow, or a family that supposedly loves me no matter what and friends.. Friends that except me at my best an my worst. Family that you get to chose. Today I'm just mad. Mad that life can be an ass. People you love the most are asses, and people you expect not be, is an ass. Your an ass and I'm an ass. We are all asses.
Monday, December 2, 2013
She awaits the first mistake to capture the reason, that excuse, this way she's not at fault.
Believes the rest is invisible to her fear, her insecurity, her failure to fall, her biggest fear of all.
As a girl she had the world at her finger tips, knew she would conquor it all. Never knew what life had to bring, but knew it would be worth it all.
Now the time has arised once again, another chance, another risk. She looks around, feels out of control. Terrified to say, horrified to know.
Longing for what she dreamed for, but with no acceptance because of her belief of what she already learnt.
It's like a dream that always ends the same but never ends at all. You know it's in your control but is but out of control.
She learnt so well to catch herself, refuses to fall. Sickens her that she fails with no gumption, no feelings, nothing at all.
Not much can scare her but allow her to look your way, she won't look very long, unable to look that far.
It's always been easy to love what couldn't be loved. But you, you she desires endlessly. Wants that chance but habitly runs.
She don't want saving and don't need it really. Just a hand to take a jump, a leap by far.